Just Friends - Part Deux

Every relationship -- family, friendship or romantic -- has a beginning and an end.  Whether that is because of time, distance, death, or even through mutual agreement (does that ever happen?), it is bound to occur sooner or later.  Sometimes this is easy to accept, but overall, I think that the loss or unexpected change of status in any relationship can be difficult to process.

So right now I am back to the age-old question, "Can a man and a woman (who are both heterosexual) ever truly be 'just friends'?"  I recently came across Mike Falzone on YouTube, and I really liked his take on the issue.  Check it out at:  http://youtu.be/rmrmZ6wNvZc   His basic premise is that you need to "get over yourself" in order for that concept to work.  He covers the common stumbling blocks including marital status, mutual or one-sided attraction, and the ability to express yourself truthfully.  If you hide even 1% of how you feel, you can watch the other 99% burn to the ground.  My favorite part was when he mentioned that being able to talk things out is a lot easier than resealing yogurt.  Have you ever even attempted that feat?  Damn near impossible, but I encourage you to give it your best shot next time you crack open a Yoplait.

As Mike stated in his video-blog, it is important to look at both sides of the argument, and I enjoyed hearing a guy's take on the issue.  I think that in order for this to truly work, there need to be five simple rules.  I would venture to say that the numerical order is only significant if you both think that a hierarchy needs to be established.  But why make it more complicated than it already is?  Here they are:

1)  Respect the other person's relationship.  Chances are pretty good that at least somewhere along the line one or both of you will be in a relationship(s) with other people, and possibly even married to someone else.  Your ability to be happy for that person and said relationship(s) will be hampered if you can't follow this rule. 

2)  Don't tease the animals (a.k.a. hormones).  Now this should go without saying, but some people have great difficulties keeping their sexual innuendos to themselves (I don't know anybody like this, do you?).  It is not fair to make even the slightest veiled comment that would suggest that you are remotely looking at this friend in any kind of sexual way.  It can -- and will -- only lead to trouble for both of you.  So save it for the next hottie you are trying to pick up at the party!

3)  Tell the truth.  Another rule that should go without saying, but for some individuals it's best to spell everything out from the get-go.  A truth that is told now, even though it may hurt, is far, far better than a lie that comes out later.  Although I also maintain that there is a distinct difference between lying and just not telling.  Just make sure that you know when either one of these may get you into hot water.  And spill your guts accordingly as needed.

4)  Keep your distance.  I call this the Dirty Dancing rule.  As Johnny Castle so eloquently put it, "This is my dancing space.  That is your dancing space."  Invading someone else's personal space is grounds for misinterpretation of intentions.  Just don't sit on the other person's lap or snuggle in bed with them and you should be fine with this one.  Stay in your own dancing space (and maybe don't watch Dirty Dancing together either).

5)  When in doubt, refer back to Rules #1 - 4.  'Nuff said.


In conclusion, I would like to propose that it may be in the realm of possibility for a man and a woman to be 'just friends.'  However, the carnage and destruction left in the wake of many, many attempts by well-intentioned individuals (myself included) reveals that this is not a feat for the faint of heart or weak-willed.  Many have tried; few have succeeded.  And just in case you have the secret to success with this, you need to share it with the rest of us cause it is freakin' harder than ___________ (fill in your own impossible feat here).

So in honor or the seemingly impossibility of this phenomenon, here is a song about a guy who really doesn't want to be friends.  Cause like the resealable yogurt (???), I challenge you to find a song about a guy who just wants to be friends with the girl (really now). 

Theme Song #18: I'm Not Strong Enough to Say No by Blackhawk 
http://youtu.be/-A0rP3ZQIlc


Inner strength is only half the battle,
Selina

Whatever It Takes

I would be remiss in addressing the changes of 2012 if I did not take a moment to reflect on some of the things that did not go so well, particularly in reference to friendships/relationships.  For a long time, I have been the "fixer" -- the one who did whatever it took to make things right and work it out.  Looking back over the years, I've operated in that fashion repeatedly.  Even if I had a valid reason for being upset at a friend/significant other and expressed my frustration with the situation at hand, I eventually came back and apologized.  Despite any justification I had at the time, my desire for peace and harmony always won out over my need to be treated well.

This year I reached a turning point.  I don't know how it happened, or when I reached this epiphany, but in the grand scheme of things it really isn't relevant.  The fact is that I am not going to continue down this path.  If I am angry, I have the right to be angry.  Now I realize that I have a stubborn streak as long and wide as the Mississippi, but I still recognize when "something is rotten in the state of Missouri (private joke)."

I recently saw a quote that addresses this very issue:
God often removes a person from your life for your protection.  Think about that before you go running after them.

Three specific instances come to mind and here they are, in no particular order:

I have been going through an emotional roller coaster this year, and I had aired some of my angst and frustration on Facebook here and there (I know I am the only one, right?).  I had someone, whom I  considered a pretty good friend, take me to task in an email soliloquy in an attempt to get me to censor my comments.  I was none too pleased with her methodology or her suggestions, and I responded with an emotional outburst and diatribe to that fact.  What kind of friend sends you an email like that?  Not much of one in my estimation; I have not spoken to her since, and I really don't miss her gossipping about me behind my back anymore.  Good riddance!

Then there was the "old friend" that should have stayed that way.  I reached out to someone on Facebook that I had been friends with "in another time and place."  I thought initially that we were rekindling our friendship, but it quickly turned into something ugly.  Without getting into specifics, I of course fell into my pattern of getting justifiably angry and then attempting to fix what was broken.  But the truth is that it probably always was broken; it's taken me a long time to realize this.  Despite the fact that it took me this long to buy a clue, I am finally walking away --- and this time, I will not be crossing the Mississippi with my flying monkeys in order to fix it. 

Lastly, I met a new friend this year, and at the very beginning, I knew I connected with this person intimately.  We liked a lot of the same things, and generally I really thought we had a lot in common.  Now I thought I was being honest, and I told this friend a lot of very personal things, and I felt that we understood each other.  I had not been this "in sync" with someone in a very long time and I relished every minute we got to spend together.

But then I went away for a weekend, and when I came back, it was as if someone had flipped a switch.  Now everything I did was suspect and a reason to make accusations and create an argument.  However, the more this happened, the more truth came out on the other end, and I realized that neither one of us had ever been completely honest with each other, or even ourselves respectively.  At this point, we could no longer trust each other and with those proverbial bridges burned, there was nothing left to do but walk away.  Perhaps someday we can rebuild that bridge together, but I will say that at this stage in my life, my olive branch only reaches so far.  My friend will have to choose to grab it, and I'm pretty sure that won't happen any time soon, if at all. 

With all of that being said, I don't want to leave the impression that I have turned into a cold, heartless witch -- although I am pretty wicked with the right broom in my hand -- metaphorically speaking.  There is still a considerable amount of time and effort that I will put into maintaining peace and harmony in my relationships.  But that now comes with the caveat that there is a tangible reciprocal effort coming from the other side of the fence as well.  And if not, I will now be able to walk away, but I try to leave the door open a crack if someone changes their mind (or heart).


So to commemorate my new found ability to "hit the road Jack" and look back without (many) regrets, here's a little ditty about lovin' and leavin':

Theme Song #17: Fitz and the Tantrums - We Don't Gotta Work It Out
http://youtu.be/-4Yz_bUTlbo

I'm walking out the door,
Selina

The Year of Making Changes

Last year at this time, I was sitting in front of the TV, making oodles of chocolate covered holiday pretzels to distribute to various co-workers and my sons’ teachers.  I listened to Christmas carols or watched holiday movies and felt warm and fuzzy and holly jolly.  I addressed dozens of Christmas cards and stuffed them with my “annual” letter and a picture of my adorable children.  I had no idea what would be in store for me in 2012, but I looked forward to it in anticipation of new beginnings.

            Let’s just say that I have had many new beginnings and some new “firsts” in 2012: 

I vowed to be more physically active.  I began the year with a New Year’s resolution to begin exercising more and eating a few less M-n-Ms (or other sugary treats).  With my trusty pedometer on my iPod to mark my accomplishments, I started getting up from my desk at work twice a day and walking a couple of laps around the floor.  Once I felt comfortable with that, I stretched my efforts gradually, and when spring came I could be found walking a lap around our neighborhood a few times a week (sometimes with a short tag-along on a bike or scooter).  By May, I was also walking the ½ mile from the parking lot to work in the morning, as well as the gargantuan hill back up in the afternoon.  I lost about 40 pounds, and I feel so much better about myself physically. 

I decided to change my name.  In high school and college, I used a nickname instead of my given name almost exclusively.  When I returned to my childhood hometown in my early twenties, I lost that because it confused people.  So I went back to using my given name to make things easier for others.  I should have stuck to my guns on that one.  All I can tell you is that at some point early on in the year, I decided that I really wanted to go back to using my nickname.  This time, however, it has been more difficult overall.  So now I have my professional name and a personal one.  I answer to either one, but it is truly easier to get my attention if you use my nickname.  My personal feeling is that you should call people what they ask you to call them; it’s not a crime, it’s common courtesy (and you know who I’m talking to).

I went back to school to complete my Masters degree.  I have now officially slogged through four of a total of ten courses towards my M.S. in Organizational Leadership from a snooty private college.  I have spent the past six months with my face in a computer all day at work, and then for a couple hours each night on class assignments.  If I stay on track, I will graduate in May 2014.  And just to get this out of the way, no, I will not be going for the full enchilada and having people call me “doctor.” 

I stayed out all night – and stayed awake, too.  Now I know I spoke about this event in a previous blog, but it still stands out to me as something I had never done before – and probably will never do again.  I will always remember this fondly, but I think it’s safe to say that for the most part I am typically a “my coach turns into a pumpkin at midnight” kind of gal.  I enjoy my sleep too much to pay for that again! 

I walked in my first 5K race.

As a result of my efforts to be more physically active, I set a goal for myself to enter and complete a 5K race.  I was already walking at least a mile in my neighborhood exercise, and built myself up to two miles just before the race.  On one brisk Sunday morning in September, I headed out to one of the local parks and joined hundreds of other racers at the starting line.  My friend Astrid left me in the dust pretty quickly (I had no expectation of her going at my turtle’s pace) and sure enough, as I was reaching the one-mile marker, she was on her way back to the finish line.  At about the two-mile marker, I started to feel a blister coming on my left foot, but I ignored it and kept going.  I finished in 1:03:00, and I did not finish last, so I accomplished my goal! 

I got my first tattoo.  I came up with a design about a year ago, but it took me this long to work up the courage to actually sit down and let someone put a needle full of ink to my body.  It was not nearly as painful as I had imagined in my mind.  I love my body art, and I might just get some more down the road if I figure out what else I want.  I’m not sure anything would top the meaning behind the piece that I got, so I may just stop at one.  You never can tell… 

I filed for divorce from my husband of fourteen years.  This was probably the most difficult change I made this year, and it certainly required a lot of introspection and reflection on my part.  I regret to inform you that I will not air all of my personal reasons or the dirty laundry of our relationship on such a public forum.  I will only say that I came to the conclusion that it was the right decision for me.

I know there have been other memorable notes and highlights in my year, like going to Disney World for the first time, and even kissing a girl (just checking to see if you’re paying attention)!  I wonder what 2013 will bring -- only time will tell what I will be able to reflect on next year. 

And so in honor of my love for Broadway, here is a song about those five hundred – twenty five thousand – six hundred minutes. 

Theme Song #16: Seasons of Love by the cast of RENT

http://youtu.be/hj7LRuusFqo

Measure in love,

Selina

Setting the Bar

Relationships are hard.  Whether that's friendship or romance or family, there are going to be ups and downs along the way.  Many times we endure the downs because we know there is bound to be an upswing just around the corner, and because we have invested something into the relationship, we take that chance.  Sometimes over and over again to the point of sheer exhaustion and without any actual hope of getting a different end result.  It's quite difficult to break that trend once it begins. 

I am not a big Dr. Phil fan, but I read something he wrote today that spoke to me and got me thinking.  I believe it's from the December issue of Oprah's magazine (in order to give my source proper credit):

Falling in love is one thing; maintaining a healthy long-term relationship is quite another.  I understand why you might feel guilty about breaking up with your boyfriend because he has issues, but you have to value yourself enough to set a high "price of admission" into your life.  Any man who truly loves a woman will want to rise to the level of being able to take care of her.  If he's not capable of doing this, you're better off accepting it now.

My friend Natalie also put things pretty succinctly by saying, "begin with the end in mind."  In other words, it's usually a case of WYSIWYG [What You See Is What You Get].  And trust me, the older you get, the more accurate this statement becomes.  There is no way on God's green earth that you could get me to settle for my high school boyfriend at this stage of the game.  The only catch is that while you figure out what you're not willing to accept, the list of possibilities grows shorter.  But that's a good thing -- it means that hopefully you will end up with exactly who you're looking for in the end.  And vice versa.

So if this speaks to you as it has to me, I encourage you to shake things up and stand up for yourself.  Don't accept things the way they are.  You can only change yourself -- you cannot change the other person.  You have to believe in yourself before anyone else will.  Find someone who is willing to put their best effort forth to have and hold your affections.  If you start out the relationship making excuses, you will continue to do so.  Set the bar high and don't settle!!!  You're worth it!!!

These are things that I need to continue to remind myself as I embark on a new chapter in my life.  So here's a little inspiration from one magnificent woman with a powerful voice to keep me on track.  Take it away Whitney!

Theme Song #15: Queen of the Night -- Whitney Houston
http://youtu.be/rFcnGLFGbL8


You may need a trampoline to reach the bar,
Selina

Mind Over Matter

When I was little, my parents often decided things for me without consulting me.  That was part of their right as my parents, whether it was small -- like whether or not I got to buy my lunch at school, or large -- like whether or not I had access to the car when I finally got my driver's license.  They always operated with my best interest at heart -- at least that's what I choose to believe for the most part. 

Being a grown up now, I sometimes wish in a wistful way that my parents, or some other person, would make my decisions for me.  But this is usually saved for times when I have a monumental task in front of me.  Most of the time, I am perfectly content to shake my own Magic 8 Ball and see what pops up in the window. 

With that in mind, it kind of ticks me off when someone else tries to make my decisions for me.  Last time I checked, I still am a grown woman with a mind of my own.  (They did let me vote yesterday so I'm guessing I look my age too.)  It is not up to you to decide what I can or cannot handle.  Don't think that you are protecting me or doing what is in my best interest by keeping information from me.  You are only serving to worry me and cause great consternation. 

If I say that I care about you, I mean it.  That means that I want to know what is going on with you -- whatever that may be -- good, bad, or otherwise.  You may rationalize your stubbornness, but there are no prizes for bravery here.  In any case, I'm just going to call it like I see it and dub it pig-headedness, which is not nearly as flattering in the harsh light of day.  Furthermore, the truth always comes out eventually, so you might as well own up to it now instead of waiting for me to find out about it later. 

You may look at all of the hurdles in front of me and think that I certainly do not need one more lined up; totally not your call.  I will find a way to leap over them or knock them over in the process; I always do.  I am a strong, independent woman and what this usually boils down to is the idea of "mind over matter."  If I don't mind, then it doesn't matter.  But in this case, I do mind, which means whatever you're going through matters to me.

So here's a little number from Gwen and the boys of No Doubt.  There is no doubt in my mind that it's my life.


Theme Song #14:  It's My Life by No Doubt   http://youtu.be/ubvV498pyIM


Flexing my mental muscles,
Selina

Wild and Crazy is Relative

This post is to set the record straight about my last post.  Someone who read it became extremely concerned about my well being and basically suggested that I was in danger of committing some great attrocity in an attempt to keep company with the likes of Thelma and Louise.  It's nice to know that people are concerned about my well being, and no, I really don't want me to end up sitting in jail next to Lindsey Lohan.  Let me be clear: while I admire Thelma and Louise from afar with their bravado and devil-may-care attitudes, my level of wild and crazy does not include robbing a convenience store, having sex with a perfect stranger, or shooting anyone.  Although I think everyone does have that capacity in them if pushed in the wrong direction.

I have had my fair share of adventures on "the wild side" thus far -- but adding a few more to my list does not seem like such a horrible way to spend my time.  There are plenty of hijinx that will let me bend the rules all the way into a backbend and still maintain my "pristine" reputation (I'm laughing here and hope you are too!)  So for the record, and whether you agree with me or not about the level of wild and crazy on a scale of one to ten, these are some of the tales I may -- or may not -- talk about later when I'm sitting in the rocking chair at the nursing home.  Ready or not, here they are in no particular order:

1)  I have been "not-so-skinny" dipping on occasion.  Naked cannonballs are fantastic fun!!!

2)  I once de-pants someone in a stock room and left him there to think about that.  (He's lucky I didn't laugh.)

3)  I have driven on a suspended license (that was a LONG time ago -- I have been on the straight and narrow for quite some time -- but we won't talk about my lead foot).

4)  I have gone splashing in a public fountain in the middle of downtown Kansas City that clearly said that it was not allowed.

5)  I violated the sacred ground on the quad at Grove City College by marching in a diagonal line right across the beautifl unspoiled grass.  You are supposed to use the sidewalk under penalty of I really don't know what -- because I didn't get caught.

6)  I shoplifted stickers and books and the occasional album at the local mall (and I'm not talking about last week).

7)  I could drink 6 beers at the fraternity party and still walk home in a straight line.

8)  I have driven a time (or two) when I probably shouldn't have.

9)  I once -- with the help of a couple of friends -- changed the titles on the movie marquee to porn titles -- we finished just as the mall security was pulling up -- and ran like hell.

10)  ______________ (more to come)


I plan on adding at least one thing to my list this weekend while I am off of my leash.  I guess you'll have to see what I decide to add to my growing encyclopedia of "rather tame" exploits.  But in my mind, I'd like to think I could run with the big dogs...

So as an homage to being young, and the things we should or shouldn't do, here's a little tune about being a little wild and crazy:
   
Theme Song #13: 19 and Crazy by Bomshel        http://youtu.be/Hwzps79cRFs


Those crazy days that I have left have led me here to you,
Selina

Loose Cannon

I am about to go off of the deep end; I can feel it in my bones.  There is only so much a gal can take before she just snaps completely.  So before that happens, I am going to take off -- get away -- and hopefully refuel my engines for the onslaught I see looming on the horizon. 

Usually I go away for a weekend and work on my scrapbooks, which is cathartic for me on a number of levels.  I get to add to the memories that my family is making and spend some time with some like-minded gal pals.  Not this time though.  On Friday morning, I am leaving on a jet plane, and though I have a round-trip ticket, there is a distinct and tangible temptation to forget about that come Monday morning when reality comes calling. 

Most of the time, I lead a quiet, virtually unobtrusive existence.  I go to work, take care of my children, and keep my nose clean as a responsible citizen.  This weekend, all bets are off.  This girl is going wild, and she may never fully return to the woman she once was.  I've gotten crazy from time to time, and it's such a freeing experience.  I am not suggesting a full-blown Thelma and Louise escapade here, but drawing a line in the sand and then stepping right over it can be just what the witch doctor ordered.  I recently discovered a quote that has become my new mantra, and I think it speaks volumes about where I am right now in my life.

I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure.  I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle.  But if you can't handle me at my worst than you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.                                               -- Marilyn Monroe
 

I am tired of doing the right thing just because that's what people expect for me to do.  I only get one life, and I am not going to stand idly by and be a spectator to my own existence.  I am taking the bull by the horns and lord have mercy on anyone who thinks they are going to stand in my way.  I am going after what I want, and if you're not with me on that then you just better get out of my way before you get run over in the process.   

If that makes me a loose cannon, then so be it.  No man ever apologizes for going after what he wants, and neither am I.  I am writing my own page in history one day and one misadventure at a time.  Come with me if you want to enjoy the ride -- or get out of the way.  Makes no nevermind to me!

And for inspiration, here's a song from a gal who's on the same page with me (and probably Thelma too).  I'll run with you any time Miranda!

Theme song #12:  Fastest Girl in Town by Miranda Lambert   
http://youtu.be/EbaEVA259IE

Sliding in by the seat of my pants,
Selina

Cutting Ties

How do you know when it’s over?  In the movies, a concert, or theatrical production, the curtain comes down and the lights come back on, indicating that your time is up.  If only it were that simple when it came to relationships with other people.  Having that huge clue would be oh-so-helpful from time to time.

And I’m not just talking about romantic relationships here, although that certainly is as good a place as any to start.  You meet, start spending time together, “fall in love” and begin to find your way and how you want to define your existence as a couple.  You may decide to move in together, get married, have children, and buy a house or any number of things that signify that you are on the same page.  You are in sync with this person and the path that you want to travel in life.  You go to parties, weddings, funerals, and the entire myriad of days and months and years that evolve.  Many people even begin to almost see you as a singular entity…kind of scary in some respects.

But what happens when that vision changes for one of you?  Or you ignored the fact that you were not in sync like you had supposed at the beginning?  The longer amount of time you spend with someone, the more you invest in them – physically sharing living spaces, emotionally sharing experiences, and then ultimately historically as time marches on. 

The more your lives are intertwined, the more difficult it becomes to cut ties when things become acrimonious, or maybe just stagnant.  Many people stay together simply because the thought of untying all of those knots is simply too overwhelming for rational thought.  Or they stay together because they think they are doing their children a disservice by separating.  But staying where you are is still making a decision…even if it is the path of least resistance or the most financially convenient.

I just learned that my parents, after forty-one years of marriage, are going their separate ways.  In some ways, I couldn’t have been more shocked.  You would think after all of this time together that there wouldn’t be any reason for them to call it quits.  After all of the things that they have been through together, how could anything jeopardize the life that they had built together? 

And yet here I am, attempting to make sense of it all.  I am trying to be supportive to both of them, and that is not proving to be an easy task, especially when it comes to keeping my own thoughts to myself.  In some respects I feel like I have become the parent, and I was certainly not at a point in my life where I wanted to parent my own parents (not that this ever comes at an optimal time).

Of course I want the best for my parents, and I realize that this is not my decision to make.  So as I am watching the curtain come down on my parents’ marriage, and something I have known all of my life, I am left with that lingering question when you come to the end of the movie and you’re scratching your head and asking yourself, “Is this all there is?”  Even if I could hit the rewind button, it’s likely I would still end up here.

As I move into a new chapter of my life with the rest of the children of divorced parents, I hope both my mom and dad find the happiness that they can no longer find together.  I love them too much to think otherwise.

Theme Song #11: Had Enough by Lifehouse   http://youtu.be/6VMkdvNCFNU

Always your little girl,

Selina

"F" is for Flirtatious

And now a word about flirting and bad influences...

My friend Piper is not a good influence.  Not at all.  She has a way of bringing out my mischievous side and she is not afraid to push my buttons.  She instigated quite a scene with a waiter when we went out to eat recently, and although it was humorous, at the time I was not nearly as amused as she was.  She got all dolled up to go to dinner with me, and then proceeded to flirt shamelessly with our waiter.  He played along fabulously with her, and I enjoyed seeing her put on the charm.  The problem was that he kept forgetting what I had ordered while she was casting her spell...is it that difficult to remember what kind of shrimp I wanted? 

Now I know from talking to at least one male friend of mine who used to wait tables that a little bit of flirting -- or a lot, can go a long way towards a bigger tip, as long as you provide excellent service to go along with it.  And why not?  It's harmless flattery for the most part, as long as you don't cross that line into seduction.  At a graduation party over the summer, a male friend I hadn't seen in about twenty years paid me a compliment, and I called him a shameless flatterer; it was a total confidence booster.  Who doesn't like to feel good about themselves?  If you disagree with me here, go quickly and get someone to check your pulse and make sure you're not dead.

Yet while flirting seems benign, the element of seduction lurks underneath and it can be too easy to unwittingly cross that line.  Some people have no trouble distinguishing between the two and can safely stay on their side of the fence.  Others take it too far and find themselves in hot water in more ways than one.  I don't know who to peg as the guilty party in this scenario: the one who took the flirting too far and led someone down the path of seduction, or the one who let that person lead them.  If it is not mutually agreed upon, then restraint is the best course of action in my humble opinion.

I distinctly remember calling the bluff of one such individual (who will remain nameless in order to protect his reputation).  He had baited me repeatedly and made blatant suggestions more times than I cared to count regarding what he would do to me under the right circumstances -- or even the wrong ones.  Finally one day, I came to the end of my rope.  I channelled my inner goddess (What would Venus do?) and said, "Okay, let's go.  Right here, right now."  He followed me into an empty room and things started to get hot and heavy quickly.  I'm pretty sure he thought he was going to have his way with me.  When he was sufficiently turned on and in a compromising position, I stopped and looked at him.  I told him that there was no way that he was going to get what he wanted, and I left him that way.  I didn't get any more innuendos from him after that -- I wonder why.

So by all means, flirt with me and pay me compliments.  I love it!  Just don't cross that line and toy with my emotions.  You may find yourself in an empty room with your pants around your ankles wondering what just happened.  Can't say I'll be sorry if you push me that far...

So here's a fun little tune for when you have that feeling about someone and want to cross that line from flirtation to seduction -- from one of the original kings of sexy, and one of my favorite Michaels.  Go on, George!

Theme Song #9: Too Funky by George Michael   http://youtu.be/JQ2DVwSVIIo

Wink, wink,
Selina


 

Make the Connection

Life is crazy and unpredictable on so many levels.  Every day by itself has elements of routine and normalcy coupled with total randomness and unpredictability.  One of the ways that we deal with this roller coaster  called life is to share our experiences with other people.  Now when we are young, this includes our parents, siblings, grandparents, etc.  Then we go to school and start branching out, making friends there and in the activities we enjoy outside of the home.  As we grow up and become adults, we continue to find ways to connect with others and share our common experiences.

I am fortunate to have friends across a wide range of connections in my life.  A good portion of them are my age, and we share our adventures in raising children and family life.  But I am glad I have friends that are also older than me that can share their wisdom and give me advice -- and a healthy dose of perspective (Jane, Delilah and Sandy are good for that) -- on what's really important, and what's trivial in the grand scheme of things.  And I have some friends that are considerably younger than me that help me to stay more flexible and have fun (Massimo and Gigi) -- cause I'll admit being older and responsible is kind of a drag at times.

Whatever our age or circumstances, it's so important to make that connection.  A few weeks ago, I went out and met some friends.  I ended up staying out all night -- something I don't think I've ever done, even when I was a wild and crazy sorority girl in college.  (And MAN OH MAN did I pay for it later -- but that's another story.)  One of those friends and I ended up going to see a movie, then stayed out, sitting on a bench in the outdoor courtyard, and talked for hours -- literally.  Before I knew it, it was 3AM.  Seriously.  At that point, I was starving, so I suggested we get breakfast.  We went to Eat N Park, ate breakfast, and then continued our tete a tete until about 6AM.  At that point, I wasn't even tired, but I managed to pull myself away and head home.

THAT is the kind of connection with someone else that is rare and precious.  So when you have that type of bond with someone, hang onto it and hold it close to your heart.  It's definitely not something that happens every day.  I hope that I have many more fun times like this -- although I think I'm going to have to impose an earlier curfew on myself next time.  Here's a little song about just having fun that always brightens my day -- the GLEE version to go along with one of our shared passions! 

Theme song #8: Starships by Nicki Minaj (as interpreted by Unique and Vocal Adrenaline of GLEE) -- http://youtu.be/zXeBdzL2cGo

Out past my curfew,
Selina

The Soundtrack of My Life

If you love music at all, and I don't think that I could live without it, there are songs that are stamped on your heart.  They take you to a specific place and time every time you listen to them:

• your Prom theme song
• the first song you danced to at your wedding
• the lullaby you hummed to the new little baby in your arms
• the love song that marked the beginning of a new relationship
• the lyrics that marked the end of that relationship and the beginning of a heartbreak.

I could go on, but I think you get the idea.  Along with those moments that mark the soundtrack of my life, there are songs that reflect specific people that have come and gone in my life.  I have a bunch of songs that bring a smile to my face as I think about the friend that loved this song or that rock group passionately.  Then there have been times when I could not listen to a song because it hurt too much to think about that person, or that moment that went so horribly wrong.  A friend of mine on Facebook recently put this problem into perspective for me:

When you can finally listen to that one song that always reminded you of them & feel nothing, no sadness, no regret, no anger, then I feel that you have moved on.

For the longest time, there was one particular song that sent me back to a time and place that I did not want to go.  It tugged at my heart every time I heard it, and I could not shake the feeling that I had lost a piece of myself somewhere along the way.  And then shortly after seeing this quote, I heard that song -- the one that had caused me so much angst for so long, and it was an epiphany; I realized that I had moved on.  I did not feel a thing, and I don't really know how or when it happened.  It felt amazing and there really aren't adequate words to describe how liberated I felt.  Call it closure if you will, but I don't think it's that simple.  Some things never get the wrapping and ribbon that is needed before you stack them in the closet of your memories.

I've already got a pretty good boxed set going on in my head for the soundtrack of my life, but there is always room for more musical memories.  Here's one of my favorite songs about this very subject -- from one of my favorite cowboys.  Take it away Kenny!

Theme Song #7: I Go Back by Kenny Chesney

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The song remembers when,
Selina

Social Injustice

In attempting to be positive, sometimes it is also necessary to take a stand.  That is what I am doing today, and I hope you will join me. 

I read a post on my sister's news feed today that made me sick to my stomach.  Apparently, as a cruel joke, some students at a high school in St. Louis, Missouri decided to nominate a mentally challenged young lady to the Homecoming court.  If she received a nomination, they planned to throw eggs at her and quack at her during the parade.  Despite some parents and faculty members knowing about this, nothing was done to stop the perpetrators in their quest, and they managed to succeed in getting enough votes for said young lady to get nominated.  Fortunately, her parents were smart enough to realize that this was not a normal or expected turn of events.  They have expressed their grievances to the principal and school board.  A meeting to determine actions towards the perpetrators is set to take place.

Now excuse me for a minute while I get up on my soapbox: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?  I find it difficult to believe that they have not gotten wind of the anti-bullying initiatives that have been sweeping the country over the last several years.  I also mistakenly thought that our society had finally evolved to the point where it was understood that bullying is counterproductive to the educational process and also in direct violation of basic human rights to an equal educational opportunity.  At the very least, this young lady deserves the right to get an education without dreading going to school every day.  Her principal, teachers and fellow students have all received failing grades in Social Justice and Common Decency. 

An email and phone number were posted to the school in question, so I put my fingers to work and drafted a letter to the principal:

I am appalled and outraged at the events that have occurred at your high school recently. I was under the impression that bullying was FINALLY being eradicated from schools across our nation. Perhaps you haven't heard of this initiative, but it has been going on for a while now. Basically, what this means is that schools are standing up to bullies and telling them that their abuse will not be tolerated any longer. Every student deserves to have a fair and equal education without feeling belittled, inferior, or otherwise fearful or uncomfortable about going to school.

Homecoming is a privilege, not a given right. As I'm sure you are aware, Penn State was recently punished for their lack of humanity towards fellow human beings, and your students deserve to have something important taken away from them. These individuals, whether there were two, twenty or two hundred involved, have taken away one of their classmate's dignity, and that should not be rewarded with a parade, crowns, and a dance. You are responsible for the welfare and well being of each and EVERY ONE of your students; shame on you for allowing this kind of behavior to occur on your watch. I hope that you will stand up to these ignorant individuals and restore order to your school.

 
I hope that this young lady knows that there are plenty of folks out there that are shocked and outraged by this turn of events.  And angry enough to STAND UP to the social injustice that is taking place right before their very eyes.  If you would like to add your voice, here is the information I have copied from the father's Facebook post:

If you think that homecoming should be canceled at this school this year please send an email to the principal at tsauvage@mvr3.k12.mo.us or call: (636) 271-1414


Here is the link to the local news story that has been picked up as a result:
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.kmov.com%2Fnews%2Feditors-pick%2FParents-Students-threatened-mentally-challenged-daughter-after-being-elected-Pacific-HS-homecoming-queen-171035161.html&h=TAQFbjsWv


Finally, here's an appropriate song dedicated to this strong and courageous young woman and her family:

Beautiful by Christina Aguilera
http://youtu.be/eAfyFTzZDMM


Stand up and fight the good fight,
Selina

Be Yourself

"Be yourself.  Everyone else is already taken."

I keep this quote from Oscar Wilde at my desk.  I think it speaks volumes in just seven little words.  Because it's something that terrifies most people -- what would they think if they really knew what I was like?  Oh quelle horror!!!

I have not necessarily been one to shy away from being myself or speaking my mind, although I feel that there are certain things that I have been quiet about for far too long.  This is one of many reasons, I suppose, that I did not find myself in the upper echelons of the popularity pyramid in high school.  I didn't play the game; I didn't stand idly by and let a friend of mine get picked on in order to save face.  I had a strong sense of what was right and wrong and acted accordingly.

I recently came across a quote from Johnny Depp that I also find pretty appropriate to this mantra. 

"If there's any message to my work, it's ultimately that it's OK to be different, that it's good to be different, that we should question ourselves before we pass judgement on someone who looks different, behaves different, talks different, or is a different color."

Now here is a guy who is not afraid to take risks with his career.  He does what he wants to do and the projects that he likes (although I do think he and Tim Burton may be secret lovers--kidding!).  If the public likes it, then that's great, but he doesn't seem to be bothered by what the critics say.

So why is it such a scary thing to be your own person and be true to who you are?  Time and time again, when popular celebrities are interviewed, they talk about being unpopular in school and awkward in their own skins.  Why isn't this sinking in with young people?  I am encouraged by the efforts of Ryan Murphy and the show GLEE.  He has purposely created characters that are flawed, but stand tall and declare out loud that they are not afraid of a slushy in the face.

So what this boils down to is something else that is hopefully food for thought and most definitely worth repeating:

Who you are in high school, and whether you are popular or not, does not dictate who you will be.


Here's a little song from a few of my GLEE friends to help you along:

Theme Song #6:  It's Time by Imagine Dragons (as interpreted by Blaine and the cast of GLEE)
http://youtu.be/ArW6SvANU-0

Flabulously yours,
Selina

Make a Statement

Inspiration for body positivity is everywhere!  You just have to start looking in the right places -- and I am NOT talking about Vogue or Shape magazine here.  I saw this today and had to share it on Facebook and here, too.

Now this is a pretty brave statement for any teenage guy to make -- especially when you consider how much peer pressure is exerted on this age group to conform to their friends and what is considered popular at the time.  So it's definitely a step in the right direction to see this kind of affirmation -- kudos to you!

So while I'm sharing visual inspiration, here's another one that I LOVE -- and helped get me started on my journey towards personal acceptance and body positivity.  It also drew some unfriendly fire from one narrow-minded person who could not understand why I thought this was appropriate to post.  Really?  Cause it's so much better for her teenage daughter to only have skinny role models to emulate.  You're right -- I am absolutely ridiculous to stand up to our media stereotypes (can you hear the sarcasm here?)!!!

 

 

So in conclusion, be brave, be bold, and MAKE A STATEMENT!  Don't be afraid to go against the flow and challenge the status quo -- that's how CHANGE HAPPENS!!!  I know I've been changed for the better because of the boldness of these individuals -- find your inspiration and go out and be the change you want to see.

 

Here's a little song for inspiration:

 

Theme Song #5: We Can by Leann Rimes  

 

http://youtu.be/mpbFoLJp-jc

 

 

Flabulously yours,

Selina

"A" is for Accomplishments

Positivity takes work, and sometimes it is much more effort than I think should be necessary.  Each day, when I throw off the covers and face another day, I have every intention of having a "good Day."  I follow my morning ritual and get ready to head out the door.  Once I open that front door, much more is out of my control than in my grasp.

 

I came across this quote the other day and thought it was appropriate and uplifting:

"Year by year I learn more about myself, and I think that confidence and honesty and just really being true to yourself is probably the most beautiful thing that you can do for yourself and the people around you."  --Dianna Agron (Quinn Fabray on GLEE)

 

I want to be true to myself and exude confidence in everything I do.  I do not want to let the world beat me down or have a say in the way I feel about myself and my body. According to my recent biometric screenings, I have a very healthy body.  In addition, I have actually accomplished quite a bit in the time that I have been on this planet!  So here are just a few of them in no particular order to help me remember that I am so much more than the ignorant snap judgment you may make about me based solely on my outward physical appearance.

1)   I am the mother of two extraordinary little boys who are healthy and happy.

2)   I have gone white water rafting several times and mastered Class III and IV rapids.

3)   I love to water ski – particularly in the early morning when the water is still like glass.

4)   I am a pretty good shot with a bow and arrow – Katnis has nothing on me!

5)   I’m also pretty handy with a bat and a softball glove.

6)   I have a bachelor’s degree in B.S. (English) and am working on adding a master’s degree to my credentials.

7)   I make a really delicious cucumber ranch potato salad!!!

8)   I also bake awesome bunny cakes – yummy!!!

9)   I am no slouch at singing the soprano part of the Hallelujah chorus or anything else that needs a high G or A.

10) I just got a new digital camera and over the years I have taken some pretty awesome shots of my friends, family and places I have visited.

11) My driving skills extend to manuals as well as automatics, and that has come in handy on more than one occasion.

12) If you need someone to tie a cherry stem into a knot with their tongue in less than 10 seconds, then I am your gal! (I know that is totally useless in most situations, but not everyone can say that!)

I’m sure that I could add at least a few more items to this list without much difficulty, but hopefully you get the idea: each of us has so much to offer!  If you still need some inspiration, here is a link to one of Meghan Tonjes’s video blogs.  She exudes confidence in herself and her abilities and is not going to apologize for that.  Check it out!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=h-BxWV77MGc

Justifiable Homicide

Sometimes there are no adequate words to describe the ignorance of others and the comments they make.  “You have such a pretty face.”  “She has a great personality.”  I could go on, but I’ve heard them all about as many times as I can take without gagging.  Who do you think you are, and what are you saying exactly? 

It’s even more appalling when the person making these ignorant comments has no place to talk.  Like the pot calling the kettle black – when ebony is clearly just another word for what exactly?  My mother falls into that category.  She is not a small woman – yet she talks about other people who “need to lose weight” like she shops at Petite Sophisticate.   The worst part about it is that she says these things unapologetically – and frequently.  I have never understood how she can justify making these types of hurtful and degrading comments; I’m not sure I ever will.

I have been working on myself and the way I see myself when I look in the mirror.  I thought that I was making some decent progress – and yet one phone call or visit with my mother can set me back about a hundred paces.  How can one person have such a powerful impact?  I suppose I could spend the rest of my life in weekly talk therapy sessions and still never come to a conclusion that will bring me complete peace and serenity.   I want her approval and that seems to be an impossible task.  If I was a size 20, then I should be a size 14.  If I reach that goal, then I should be a size 10.  If I reach one benchmark, she raises the bar; it’s a no-win proposition for me.

So I have learned at least in part how to handle my mother, or at least I thought so.  That is until my six year-old came home from a week-long visit with Grandma.  He sat next to me last night and said,

“Mommy, did you eat too much sugar as a kid?  Is that why you’re so big?” 

“Sweetie, who told you that?”

“Grandma said that you ate too much sugar as a kid and that’s why you’re so big.”   

I didn’t know there were so many shades of red that could flash through my brain in a nanosecond, and two words kept resounding in my brain: justifiable homicide.  If I had a flying broomstick, you would have seen me on it – and then on the 11:00 news in handcuffs.  (This is my alibi for later – kidding!)  So I guess now I will have to be deprogramming my son after every visit to Grandma’s house.  Fantastic!

There is something valuable that I learned from this scenario: I will begin educating my son on the truth that people come in all different shapes and sizes and that is perfectly acceptable – despite anything Grandma may say to the contrary.  This is most definitely a lesson that is worth learning at any age (I’m still working on that myself) and then teaching to others as appropriate. 

So while I would really like to strangle my mother, I’m not sure it’s worth sitting in a jail cell.  Here’s a little song about some ladies who were braver than I:

Theme Song #4:  The Cell Block Tango  http://youtu.be/xqV7HOVOPLE

Flabulous regards,

Selina

Just Friends

And now a word about friendship…

In the movie When Harry Met Sally, they attempt to answer the question, “Can men and women just be friends?”   Basically the answer is no.  Time and time again, one teeny little three letter word gets in between the two parties in question: sex (you knew I was going to go there).  Even if nothing ever happens, between two heterosexual individuals, that tension is always there.  I spent a long time believing that this movie, and the very idea that men and women couldn’t be friends was a load of baloney: let me explain.

I had two wonderful male friends in high school: we did everything together and it was never awkward in the least.  Our bond was strong and we enjoyed each other’s company.  I always felt at ease around them and never thought about whether or not there was anything sexual about our relationship.  (They have since come out of the closet.)  Based on this, I came to the conclusion that of course men and women could be friends.  How silly people were to think otherwise!

After graduating from high school, I started working at a department store in the local mall.  My boyfriend at the time worked on the top floor, and I worked downstairs.  His best friend also ended up working in the same department with me.  We joked around and had fun together.  The three of us often ate in the food court on our lunch breaks.  This friend and I used to carpool to work, and then also to community college.  We spent a considerable amount of time a-l-o-n-e together, and nothing ever happened.  So I continued to believe this fairy tale in my head that of course men and women could be friends.

Now when you are young, it is typical for boyfriends/lovers to come and go, and this one went off to the Navy (at least that is the story he told me).  This left his best friend and me to fend for ourselves – and we had no trouble keeping things platonic, at least at first.  Then one evening, while over at his house, we watched a movie, and then went up to his room to listen to the stereo.  (You know where this is going, right?  Well I didn’t.)  We were laying there on his bed talking, and it suddenly occurred to me that I had feelings for him.  I decided to take a chance, and I made my move.  Let’s just say that he didn’t turn down my offer… 

From that fateful moment on, our friendship has never been the same.  We can be friends for a little while, but then that three letter word starts creeping in on us again.  It gets too difficult not to fall into that trap of flirtation and seduction.  This has created a giant rift in our ability to stay friends; we have gone years at times without speaking.  I miss the friends we used to be, but I cannot get that back 100% no matter how much I try.  I don’t want to lose my friend, because I think that is the best part of who we were together.  There are things I want to share with him – but the hurt I feel when he withdraws into his protective shell is, at times (like right now), greater than I can bear.

I did not share that part of myself with him lightly; I never have.  I love him unequivocally and there is a place in my heart that is his alone.  I wanted to believe that we could beat the odds; I’m not sure it’s possible any longer.  Even knowing what I know now, I would not trade one moment we’ve shared – good, bad, or ugly.  Then I would have missed the dance.       

 

Theme Song #3:  The Dance by Garth Brooks (sorry -- no link available to anything official)

 

Missing you,

Selina

"G" is for Gorgeous

This one is for my friend Massimo -- he's been surprising me lately with his revelations about his "type" and things he finds attractive.  Which led me to consider some things I had not even paid attention to in a very long time --- I feel like I've been in hibernation, or on auto-pilot for about a decade now.  Not sure when I stopped paying attention to the veritable visual feast around me, but I guess I finally got hungry again.


And suddenly I am enjoying the cornicopia of visual treats to be had as I venture around the city.  It's pretty fun, especially in the summer when there is more skin to be seen -- and more tattoos peeking out from under t-shirts and ankles and bare calf muscles (I do love ink!) .   It's even more entertaining when you're wearing dark sunglasses and people can't really see where you're looking.  Mirrored ones work even better -- you know who I'm talking to boys, who are ogling my chest instead of looking at my face (-- as if I didn't wear my best push-up bra and a v-neck t-shirt for a reason).


Now the "G" in Gorgeous means different things to different people -- and thank goodness!  Cause if we were all interested in Tom Cruise, then Ryan Gossling and Tatum Chaning would still be waiting tables somewhere.  I have been fortunate enough to have several relationships where I felt attractive and sexy despite any negative feelings I had in the back of my head about my size.  And that has allowed me to be confident in the bedroom even when I haven't felt that way walking down the street.  And my partners have reaped the benefits of that confidence too.


So now that I have found "my groove" (thank you Delilah for pointing that out) on the outside as well as in, there is no telling where this confidence will take me!  I am excited about all of the possibilities on my horizon.  I am going to work it and lord help anyone who thinks they are going to stand in my way!  Here's a little song to go with my strut:

Theme Song #2:  I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred:  http://youtu.be/39YUXIKrOFk

Flabulous regards,
Selina

Settlin' is for Sissies

I have spent most of my life settling: I thought that I should just take whatever was offered to me and be grateful for the fact that I even got acknowledged at all.  I've since changed my mind about that; I am not settling any longer.  I am going to go after what I want, and I am not going to apologize for that either (so stop holding your breath). 


I have been discovering lots of things about myself recently, and one of the things I have learned (although it has been there all along) is that I have a dogged level of determination.  Now sometimes that comes across as stubbornness, but they are cousins after all.  So when I make up my mind about something, it is almost certain, barring any unforeseen disaster, to happen.  I refuse to give up; it's not an option really. 


Once I decided that I wanted to finish school and get my degree, I pursued that relentlessly.  When my son was diagnosed on the Autism spectrum, I made sure that we exhausted every resource and support in order to make his world better.  Now I want a tattoo and pink hair (doesn't every girl want to be Jem or Gwen Stefani?) and I will work on it until both of those things happen, too.  Then I'm going to work on my "Leap List" and begin crossing off those dreams as I make them a reality.


So if you're waiting for someone to offer your dream to you, stop waiting and go out and get it!  Say it loud and say it proud!  Don't settle!  Here's a theme song to help you along!


Theme song #1: Settlin' by Sugarland        http://youtu.be/BEJh-aMMpJ0

Flabulous regards ---  Selina

New Direction

I started this blog initially to chronicle my (failed) attempt at life without Facebook for 40 days.  I only made it a total of eight days.   Then I found a new direction...


Shortly after my "angry fat chick" rant, I found inspiration in a flabulous book called "Fat! So?" by Marilyn Wann (buy a copy!).  It is a great life affirmation for anyone who is not ashamed to be more than average size.  I have struggled my entire life with the fact that I don't fit the images I see on TV, movies and magazines.  But the truth of the matter is that if you look around, most of us don't even come anywhere close to that standard of measurement. 


So I have decided to embrace my flabulous self and ditch anyone who cannot accept me "as-is" -- well except for maybe my mother (which is another story for another therapist).  Life is too short to be concerned about what the ignorant guy on the bus or the rude teenagers at the malls are chuckling about.  And I've got a few witty and "over-your-head" comments for them as I encounter them now, too!  (Who died and made you Richard Simmons?)


This may make it seem like I am a loose cannon, but I have begun to find my confidence, and I am going to hang onto it for dear life -- cause it's a better life than I've allowed myself to have up to this point.  I have started walking, making sure to eat a few more vegetables, and a few less M-n-Ms.  I LIKE the way I feel, and I am healthier now than I have been in the past 10 years.  I have a long way to go, but I'm going to get there. 


This is my journey...but I am inviting you to come along if you like! 

Flabulous regards -- Selina

And Now a Word from the Angry Fat Chick

Author's note: This was written in response to an assignment in one of my grad school classes (the name of the school will not be revealed in an effort to protect them from any potential backlash).

Week 5 Discussion:  Obesity is a growing problem in our country. Experts disagree on how to address it.

There are plenty of epidemics in our country: homelessness, the current economic crisis, even the recent shootings in Colorado, just to name a few.  However, our focus today is how to eradicate the obesity epidemic on our country.  We have chosen to embrace gays, lesbians, transgendered and any number of lifestyles in the past decade or so.  Yet it continues to be acceptable to discriminate and blatantly ridicule obese people.  It remains an acceptable form of bigotry and hatred that has yet to receive the same level of tolerance as any other “group” in our society. 

Most people have no idea what it is like to be an obese person.  Tyra Banks, Courtney Cox and Eddie Murphy can all take off their fat suits at the end of the day; I cannot.  My mother enrolled me in Weight Watchers for the first time when I was 12 years old – and they let her.  I was constantly monitored by her, and every morsel that passed my lips was carefully weighed or measured.  She made me get on a scale at home every morning, in addition to weighing in each week at meetings, where I was the only child in the whole room.   It was extremely humiliating to be twelve years old and sitting in a room with a bunch of women who were all counting calories!

My battle with my weight and my self-image has continued throughout my life, and I won’t bore you with the details that you don’t care about except to say that most of the time it is a losing battle.  I wish I could be as confident as Melissa McCarthy or Cameron Manheim, but frankly any slim shred of self-esteem I had was beaten out of me a long time ago.  I have endured being ignored at stores, passed over for promotions and jobs that I was more than qualified for, and even singled out for blatant humiliation by a principal at a school where I worked.  Not to mention the years of torment I endured by the popular people at school during middle school and high school; I have been depressed more times than I care to count.

I only want what every person wants: to be acknowledged and accepted for who I am.  I have yet to feel that way.  I fight every day to accept myself for who I am; I very rarely win.  So when I am considered part of an epidemic – as opposed to an actual person with feelings – I get very angry.  I’m supposed to acknowledge and tolerate everyone else -- when the fuck is it going to be my turn?  When do I get to be accepted instead of mocked and ridiculed?  I guess what this assignment proves is that I shouldn’t hold my breath; I’m going to be waiting a while longer. 

                                                                                                       Selina K. Boyles


Post-script: This "outburst" earned me a zero for "not following directions" and not proposing a solution.  I think my professor missed the point entirely: treat me like a human being.  That seems like the easiest "solution" or course of action for all involved parties.