Joy
Despite this
revelation and change of attitude, I know that diet culture has stolen a lot from
me over the years. In hating my body and
what it looked like, I lost my joy at being alive in my own skin. This is HUGE.
Being ashamed of my size affected every aspect of my being. For years, whenever I was in a new situation
in public, I did my best to stay in the background and not draw attention to
myself. I dressed fairly conservatively
and tried to hide as much of myself as possible, although I refused to limit my
wardrobe to black and black like my friend Sandy had done.
Since I was
limited in my fashion choices to pretty much two stores that carried plus size
old lady attire, I used accessories to try and make my outfits more
fashionable. I didn’t wear what I liked;
I wore what I could find to fit me. And
that in itself took much of the joy out of fashion and dressing to feel good
about myself. Things are definitely
better now than they were when I was in high school but they’re still not
perfect.
Self-esteem
Due to the
constant barrage of media messages telling every woman that thin is the most
important thing, I have developed issues with self-esteem. It didn’t help that I was told from a very
early age by some of my own family members that I was not the “right”
size. My mother never put cookies or
treats in my lunch in an effort to control my food consumption. This only led to sneaking foods that I wanted
to eat and then feeling guilty for wanting these things. I felt like I was letting my family down but
as a child I had no way of fighting back.
I know that many
people judge by outward appearance. I
know I do it too because it’s what we’re taught. That means I am fighting an uphill battle
from the moment I meet someone. It
doesn’t matter how intelligent I am, how funny I am, or how loyal and generous
I am. All they see is the rolls of fat and
assume that I am lazy and unkempt.
I saw a quote
on Facebook this week:
“If only our eyes saw souls instead of
bodies how very different our ideals of beauty would be.”
I’m hoping
that one day soon this quote is more truth than wishful thinking. I applaud the recent efforts of Jennifer
Garner to demystify and ridicule the Hollywood ideals that have plagued our
culture. And I love Melissa McCarthy for
being unapologetic and candid. John
Candy and Chris Farley never apologized for their size, so why should she?
Missed Opportunities
Because I
subscribed to our societal norms, I didn’t hold any illusions about guys
finding me attractive. I knew that it would be a slim possibility. I went all thru high school without being
asked to a dance or even on a date. I
had one long-term boyfriend after high school, and only briefly dated one other
person before I met and married my husband.
I knew he liked me, but I could never take a compliment without
wondering what the motivation was behind the seemingly nice words. I settled for someone who didn’t mind that I
was fat because I didn’t think I would be able to do any better. In my mind at the time, that was the best I
could hope for in the grand scheme of things.
I didn’t do either of us any favors in this regard and my discontent is
one of the reasons our marriage didn’t last.
Medical Issues
I have almost
always been mistreated in terms of medical issues. If I appear in front of a doctor, they always
feel the need to treat my “fat” issue, whether or not that is the reason I have
come in for an exam. I’m fairly certain
that my fiery strep throat doesn’t have a thing to do with the number on that
scale in your hallway but thanks for wasting my time with the lecture.
This
incessant focus held true when I was pregnant as well. I was treated horribly – as if being pregnant
and fat was worse than stage 4 cancer. I
was under the false impression that the “first do no harm” credo extended to
mental anguish, but that is nixed if you’re larger than a size 14. Pregnancy is supposed to be this joyous,
magical time as you wait for this little person to arrive --- and yet I did not
have much joy at all because of the way I was treated.
Taking It Back
So how do I
reclaim the things I have lost to diet culture?
Some of it is impossible to get back; I will not be pregnant again, that
much I know for sure. But in other ways,
I have learned to speak out and speak up for myself. When that physician started to lecture me
about my weight when I came in for a sore throat, I got right in her face and
confronted her ignorant, opportunistic attitude. I also spoke to the office manager at the
practice because I didn’t want that to happen to anyone else. If someone goes in to see a doctor and brings
up diet and exercise on their own, that’s fine.
It is not fine for a physician to assume that it is their duty to
lecture those who do not come in for that purpose.
I am also
reclaiming my space in the universe, one outfit at a time. I now have tank tops and shorts in my
closet. I have sleeveless dresses that I
do
not intend to wear with a cardigan to cover up my arm flab. If our society has spent at least ten seasons
watching The Biggest Loser then seeing cellulite in public should not be
shocking. I bought a tankini and wore it
to the local pool this summer. I did
have one teenager call me a “fat bitch.”
I responded by calling her ignorant because that’s exactly how I saw it
at the time. I will not back down or
pretend to ignore these rude comments anymore.
Ignoring the bully does not make him/her go away.
Am I brave
and fearless all the time? Goodness
no! But I refuse to let my joy at living
be overshadowed by the misery of counting calories and being hungry all the
time. Life is too short for that! I am going to wear what I want and eat what I
want, and if anyone attempts to give me “helpful advice” I will not hesitate to
inform them where they can stick that advice.
I will continue to find inspiration in the women who are unapologetic
and speak up loud and long. It’s long
overdue, and I want my voice to be heard along with theirs. Join us – we need all the help we can get.
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