I recently finished reading a great book, Mercy by Jodi Picoult.In it, one of the main focuses is on the intricate
interactions between partners in romantic relationships.One of the main characters maintains that
there are very few 50/50 relationships when it comes to romance and love.The balance is always off; one person gives
more.The hitch is that this balance can
shift at any time, and it has the potential to throw off the dynamics of the
established trend in the relationship. And throughout the course of the book, this
theory is tested for a number of the characters under varying circumstances.(It’s a great read; I highly recommend it!)
In examining my own relationships, I find merit in this
assessment.And I have discovered, over
and over, that I am usually the person giving the 60, 70, or 80 percent in the
relationship.I never do this
intentionally, but it happens every single time.I have a need to nurture others and make sure
their needs are met.Therefore, I often
lose sight of what is important to me, or what my needs are for a healthy
relationship.
I recently had someone say to me, “Tell me what you want.”And
I didn’t know how to respond to that because for the most part, no one ever
asks me.So I thought about it for a
little while, and this is what I came up with:
1)I want a genuine connection with someone.I want to be able to share things with you
and build a relationship with a strong emotional and physical connection
between us.
2)I want to feel appreciated.That what I do for you matters.That it doesn’t go unnoticed.And that you return the favor on occasion.
3)I want someone who commits to me as their
sole/soul focus.I am not looking for
Prince Charming here; I am looking for someone who follows thru with their yes
meaning yes, and not just yes – until something/someone better comes along.
4)I want security – a knowledge that you are in
this for the long haul.That you are not
going to raise the white flag and walk away at every little argument.
5)I want you to love my kids.Period.
Now maybe that is a tall order, but it’s what I want.All I can tell you is that whoever can
rise to this challenge will end up being a very happy man indeed.I am holding out hope that he is out there
somewhere.And that our relationship will
be as close to 50/50 as we can get (cause I give as good as I get).
And while this may be sort of cheesy (I am a child of the
80s), I could not leave you without a song from one of my favorite movies that
reflects the idea that he just may ride in on his steel horse any second.And for the record, a tractor would suit me
just fine.
One of my favorite movies of all
time is Back to the Future. Following Marty McFly as he attempts to get
from 1955 back to 1985 is nothing short of comedic fun from start to
finish. What sticks out in my mind right now, however, is the part
where Doc tells Marty that he can't alter anything in the past that already
happened, or he risks changing significant elements of the future as a
consequence. Marty does his level best to stay out of trouble, but once
he accidentally tangles with Biff, it becomes uncertain as to whether Marty
will accomplish his mission. When Marty finally makes it back to 1985, it
is clear that his brief presence in 1955 made a lasting impression on quite a
few people.
Sometimes, without realizing it,
the choices that we make affect others in very permanent ways: a.k.a the ripple
effect. And I am not talking about what flavor of ice cream you order,
although there may be some merit to that idea if you take the last scoop of
Rocky Road. I am talking about life-altering decisions: whether or not to
go back to school, whether or not to get on that plane, whether or not to start
or end a relationship. Those kind of decisions; the ones that end up
being a big deal whether the intention was there or not.
I have recently been reaping the
ripple effect in several different areas of my life, and mostly in a
disconcerting way. I have been both the cause of the ripples, as well as
getting hit by the ensuing waves from the stones others have been tossing into
the proverbial pond. Some of the chaos has been expected, while other
elements had not entered the realm of possibility for me.All I know is that it's getting pretty choppy
out here and frankly I'm getting a little sea sick.
I now know from personal
experience that divorce in particular has a far-reaching ripple effect.Add the number of years you have been
married, multiply that by the number of children you have,then by the number ofpeople who have befriended you, both as an
individual and as a couple, and you’re starting to get a sense of the ripples
here.No matter what the circumstances,
it is still difficult to believe that two people, who seemed to love each other
and would be that way indefinitely, are now parting ways.
And yet I find myself dealing
with this ripple effect as someone going through this process, and also
processing my parents divorcing at the same time.I don’t think there is ever a good age to
experience the dissolution of your parents’ marriage, whether you are four,
like my son, or closer to forty, as I am.It just doesn’t seem right.Even
though I am cognitively able to process the mechanics of this sadness and
confusion in a more sophisticated manner than my son, I often feel that I don’t
have any better handle on it than he does.He asked me today if mommy and daddy could be married again, and
although I would do almost anything for my kids, I cannot bring myself to do
that because it wouldn’t even begin to put a Band-Aid on the gaping wound.Only time can do that.
Sometimes the hardest part
though is not facing your immediate family, but dealing with your friends.Especially the ones you made after you were
already married.They have always seen
you as a couple, and they are left scratching their heads, wondering what went
wrong.Not that it is their job to
figure that out. Cause that is nowhere in the friendship handbook last time I
checked.And it is not my job to ask
people to take sides.Because that, in
my mind, is more juvenile than anything I could think of.
I guess the only way that I can
explain it is to use my grandfather as an example.He was outgoing and gregarious – always the
life of the party.Quick with a smile
and a joke.Everyone loved him.Except that he was only like that in public
when everyone was watching, and he always put on one hell of a show.The person I knew at home was – let’s just
say – not the same person you saw at the party – not by a long shot.But I would never even think of telling anyone
any differently because they wouldn’t believe me.Their perception was already formed.And there is little I can do to change that.
Besides, I have to put my
efforts into picking up the pieces and figuring out where to go from here.So as I throw my rings overboard
(metaphorically speaking) on this heartbreaking cruise on an unfortunately
choppy sea, I will leave you with a song that in many ways fits the moment at
hand.Cause I’ve thought about it over and over
again, but even Meatloaf himself can’t make me change my mind.
Theme song #30: I’d Do Anything
for Love (But I Won’t Do That) by Meatloaf
I’ve come to the end of my rope; I’m mad as hell and I’m
not going to take it anymore!What, you
may wonder, has caused me to get my panties in such a twist?I’m glad you asked (although you may not be
by the time I am finished).I have had
enough of inconsiderate and just plain rude people.And not just any people, the ones
masquerading as friends.You know who
they are: the ones who never commit to a get-together, the ones who don’t
understand that responding to a text shouldn’t take 48 hours, or the ones who
cancel at the last minute without fail.I could go on here, but I think you get the gist.Let’s tackle these offenders
individually.
The Non-committals
What is so difficult about making plans and keeping
them?You do it all the time, especially
if you happen to have a JOB.Or a
family.Or a pulse.It’s pretty much a given that you are going
to have upcoming events on your calendar at all times.Now there are some events that certainly
require your advance commitment: weddings, graduations, your Prom, and the
Academy Awards ceremonies come to mind.Even seemingly mundane activities like the annual family picnic (someone
needs to bring the potato salad) may necessitate an affirmative response to
reserve your spot at the kid’s table.
Given these logical points, it still astounds me the
quandary saying “yes” can create for some individuals.You would think you were asking them to
donate a kidney.I can only imagine the
consternation that would ensue in that situation.And if you’re waiting for an engraved
invitation to party with some celebrity you don’t know in the first place, you
need a reality check.Never mind – moving
on to our next suspect.
The Text-phobics
Let’s get this straight once and for all: text messaging
was invented so that people could use their cell phones to communicate quickly
and efficiently without having to let other people know their business.Or use up their minutes.When I was in junior high back in the late 80’s,
I distinctly remember pulling the phone cord as far as it would go and sitting
in the closet in a futile attempt to have some privacy while I was gossiping
with my friends.I would have relished
having the ability to text message back then (or even a cordless phone for that
matter).
So my question here is this:Why did you buy a cell phone package without
the ability to hit the reply button?Or,
if you dislike text messaging so much, you can do what my father did and have
it disabled from your phone. Then you
would save me the aggravation of waiting in texting purgatory to get a
response.I realize that sometimes
people are busy (work, school, having sex, taking a nap) and can’t respond
immediately.However, if you don’t
respond within a reasonable amount of time – I usually allot 24/48 hours give
or take – don’t be surprised at my retort when you finally crawl out from under
your rock and rejoin civilization.I
also have a penchant for imagining the worst-case scenarios: car crash, death, or
dismemberment of your thumbs.So after I
wait so long, my brain goes to the dark side and camps out there indefinitely.
On a side note, it is important to point out that well
known fact that men are only allowed to utter about half of the word volume
that women do on a daily basis.But here’s
a little secret for all the guys out there: texting
is actually a freebie!!It isn’t said out loud, so it doesn’t count
against your spoken word quota for the day. It’s really a secret weapon for you if you
think about it in the right super hero context.So for the love of god, use it!
The
Bailers
Finally, we have the people who cancel at the last
minute.They are cousins to the
non-commitals I’ve already discussed in detail.Now these offenders always seem enthusiastic about your plans.They may even initiate reminding you about
your upcoming plans a day or two before they are scheduled to occur.And yet, when the day and hour for those
plans arrives, they have suddenly become sick, had to cover for someone who
didn’t show up at work, or their car won’t start (all of which are code for I found something/someone better to do).
My problem with this is that these people are usually
single and have no clue what I have had to do in order to orchestrate any time
away from my children.When you cancel
on me, I have to then untie all of the knots I tied together to make this
happen.This usually entails, at
minimum, calling or texting the babysitter to cancel on her, and informing my
disappointed kids that they are stuck with me for the evening.I think that is the worst part of all.
In summation, I am not playing games with these
individuals anymore – and you know who you are.If you can’t commit, just say no.If you don’t like to respond to text messages, then don’t give me your
number.And if you plan on bailing at
the last minute, you really should have the stones to call me instead of hiding
behind an impersonal text message.I do
my best to keep my calendar from being double booked, respond to people who
address me in a text, and follow thru with my promises.In my opinion, my only valid “get out of jail
free” card is a sick kid who is vomiting.And that’s the worst way to rain on my parade.
Since I am not listening anymore, I will turn the show
over to a gal who also has a “take no prisoners” attitude about life.I would certainly hate to be on her shit
list.
I love flying.Not
the actual mechanics of navigating airport security, worrying about losing my
luggage, or sitting in close quarters with strangers and very minimal personal
space.What I love about flying is that
it feels like a shortcut.For example, if
I drove from Pittsburgh to Chicago, it would take me seven hours, give or
take.If I fly, it takes about an hour
from lift-off to touch down.With that
kind of time differential, who wouldn’t want to fly given the option (and minus
any personal trepidation of flying)?
What would be even better is if we could “fly” through
the rough parts of life.Whatever
difficult “road trip” you may be on: sickness, grief, divorce, or heartbreak
(just to name a few), you could opt to fly over them instead of slogging
through the muck and mire.If only there
was some way to altogether skip over the headaches of traffic jams, flat tires,
getting lost, or making too many pit stops – metaphorically speaking.Life would be so much easier that way!Skip to the good parts and leave the rest
behind in a cloud of jet fuel.I predict
that this would be a very lucrative service and plenty of folks would be
willing to pay for that type of convenience.I know I would!
Unfortunately, the truth of the matter is that the road
trip is the only option when it comes to finding our way through the trials and
tribulations of our lives. There isn’t a plane to jettison you from one end to
the other.You’ve got to walk the line
and put in the miles. Period.
But even with a solid game plan and the GPS locked and
loaded, the journey can still be rocky. Hopefully
you encounter seasoned travelers along the way that can offer tips about the
road ahead.Conversely, being able to
share what you have learned from your journey may assist others in navigating
their own map.Yet you should not assume
that others will listen to your words of wisdom; the voice of experience is
quite often drowned out by the enemies of chronic stupidity and proverbial pigheadedness
(yes, that is an actual word – don’t bother looking it up).
Case in point: There is one particularly evil stretch of
highway near my house. If I can avoid
this highway in my journeys around town, I would be more than foolish to drive
straight for it.On occasion, I have
imagined that the gods will be in my favor and I roll the dice and hop on that
highway.I usually end up kicking myself
when I find myself staring ahead at miles of brake lights on the horizon.Again.Because I know better.And I
should have listened to myself before making that turn.
Keep in mind that it is of key importance to have a
support system in place.When your own
mojo seems to have disappeared in a puff of smoke, knowing that other people
care about you and want to see you succeed can fuel your fire on even the darkest
of days.It is also extremely useful to
have a take-no-prisoners playlist on your iPod to keep up your motivation.I’ve had friends tell me that they’ve seen me
rocking out in my car at a stop light once or twice (okay, probably more often
that that).Finding a way to give
yourself a pep talk can help keep your sanity in the eye of the storm.Believe me.
Despite the twists and turns, the best part of any
journey, in my humble estimation, is reaching your destination.Whether it is a victorious crossing of the
finish line, or an active act of “good riddance to bad rubbish,” there is
beauty in the finality of it all.You
made it!You might have thought you
would never get to take the victory lap.But somehow, you did it.And you
might have to do it all over again at some point, but the journey is never
exactly the same, even if you’ve been down that road before.
Out of all of the songs on my own motivational playlist,
there is one in particular that struck me as the perfect blend of positivity
and determination.While on the life
journey of being an uber-famous
singer, Celine Dion made the decision to walk away from the spotlight.Her farewell song to her fans left them (and
myself) the one thing that we all need in order to keep going: hope.And that is the most powerful motivation in
the world!
Theme Song #28: That’s the Way It Is by Celine Dion
