Just Friends - Part Deux

Every relationship -- family, friendship or romantic -- has a beginning and an end.  Whether that is because of time, distance, death, or even through mutual agreement (does that ever happen?), it is bound to occur sooner or later.  Sometimes this is easy to accept, but overall, I think that the loss or unexpected change of status in any relationship can be difficult to process.

So right now I am back to the age-old question, "Can a man and a woman (who are both heterosexual) ever truly be 'just friends'?"  I recently came across Mike Falzone on YouTube, and I really liked his take on the issue.  Check it out at:  http://youtu.be/rmrmZ6wNvZc   His basic premise is that you need to "get over yourself" in order for that concept to work.  He covers the common stumbling blocks including marital status, mutual or one-sided attraction, and the ability to express yourself truthfully.  If you hide even 1% of how you feel, you can watch the other 99% burn to the ground.  My favorite part was when he mentioned that being able to talk things out is a lot easier than resealing yogurt.  Have you ever even attempted that feat?  Damn near impossible, but I encourage you to give it your best shot next time you crack open a Yoplait.

As Mike stated in his video-blog, it is important to look at both sides of the argument, and I enjoyed hearing a guy's take on the issue.  I think that in order for this to truly work, there need to be five simple rules.  I would venture to say that the numerical order is only significant if you both think that a hierarchy needs to be established.  But why make it more complicated than it already is?  Here they are:

1)  Respect the other person's relationship.  Chances are pretty good that at least somewhere along the line one or both of you will be in a relationship(s) with other people, and possibly even married to someone else.  Your ability to be happy for that person and said relationship(s) will be hampered if you can't follow this rule. 

2)  Don't tease the animals (a.k.a. hormones).  Now this should go without saying, but some people have great difficulties keeping their sexual innuendos to themselves (I don't know anybody like this, do you?).  It is not fair to make even the slightest veiled comment that would suggest that you are remotely looking at this friend in any kind of sexual way.  It can -- and will -- only lead to trouble for both of you.  So save it for the next hottie you are trying to pick up at the party!

3)  Tell the truth.  Another rule that should go without saying, but for some individuals it's best to spell everything out from the get-go.  A truth that is told now, even though it may hurt, is far, far better than a lie that comes out later.  Although I also maintain that there is a distinct difference between lying and just not telling.  Just make sure that you know when either one of these may get you into hot water.  And spill your guts accordingly as needed.

4)  Keep your distance.  I call this the Dirty Dancing rule.  As Johnny Castle so eloquently put it, "This is my dancing space.  That is your dancing space."  Invading someone else's personal space is grounds for misinterpretation of intentions.  Just don't sit on the other person's lap or snuggle in bed with them and you should be fine with this one.  Stay in your own dancing space (and maybe don't watch Dirty Dancing together either).

5)  When in doubt, refer back to Rules #1 - 4.  'Nuff said.


In conclusion, I would like to propose that it may be in the realm of possibility for a man and a woman to be 'just friends.'  However, the carnage and destruction left in the wake of many, many attempts by well-intentioned individuals (myself included) reveals that this is not a feat for the faint of heart or weak-willed.  Many have tried; few have succeeded.  And just in case you have the secret to success with this, you need to share it with the rest of us cause it is freakin' harder than ___________ (fill in your own impossible feat here).

So in honor or the seemingly impossibility of this phenomenon, here is a song about a guy who really doesn't want to be friends.  Cause like the resealable yogurt (???), I challenge you to find a song about a guy who just wants to be friends with the girl (really now). 

Theme Song #18: I'm Not Strong Enough to Say No by Blackhawk 
http://youtu.be/-A0rP3ZQIlc


Inner strength is only half the battle,
Selina

Whatever It Takes

I would be remiss in addressing the changes of 2012 if I did not take a moment to reflect on some of the things that did not go so well, particularly in reference to friendships/relationships.  For a long time, I have been the "fixer" -- the one who did whatever it took to make things right and work it out.  Looking back over the years, I've operated in that fashion repeatedly.  Even if I had a valid reason for being upset at a friend/significant other and expressed my frustration with the situation at hand, I eventually came back and apologized.  Despite any justification I had at the time, my desire for peace and harmony always won out over my need to be treated well.

This year I reached a turning point.  I don't know how it happened, or when I reached this epiphany, but in the grand scheme of things it really isn't relevant.  The fact is that I am not going to continue down this path.  If I am angry, I have the right to be angry.  Now I realize that I have a stubborn streak as long and wide as the Mississippi, but I still recognize when "something is rotten in the state of Missouri (private joke)."

I recently saw a quote that addresses this very issue:
God often removes a person from your life for your protection.  Think about that before you go running after them.

Three specific instances come to mind and here they are, in no particular order:

I have been going through an emotional roller coaster this year, and I had aired some of my angst and frustration on Facebook here and there (I know I am the only one, right?).  I had someone, whom I  considered a pretty good friend, take me to task in an email soliloquy in an attempt to get me to censor my comments.  I was none too pleased with her methodology or her suggestions, and I responded with an emotional outburst and diatribe to that fact.  What kind of friend sends you an email like that?  Not much of one in my estimation; I have not spoken to her since, and I really don't miss her gossipping about me behind my back anymore.  Good riddance!

Then there was the "old friend" that should have stayed that way.  I reached out to someone on Facebook that I had been friends with "in another time and place."  I thought initially that we were rekindling our friendship, but it quickly turned into something ugly.  Without getting into specifics, I of course fell into my pattern of getting justifiably angry and then attempting to fix what was broken.  But the truth is that it probably always was broken; it's taken me a long time to realize this.  Despite the fact that it took me this long to buy a clue, I am finally walking away --- and this time, I will not be crossing the Mississippi with my flying monkeys in order to fix it. 

Lastly, I met a new friend this year, and at the very beginning, I knew I connected with this person intimately.  We liked a lot of the same things, and generally I really thought we had a lot in common.  Now I thought I was being honest, and I told this friend a lot of very personal things, and I felt that we understood each other.  I had not been this "in sync" with someone in a very long time and I relished every minute we got to spend together.

But then I went away for a weekend, and when I came back, it was as if someone had flipped a switch.  Now everything I did was suspect and a reason to make accusations and create an argument.  However, the more this happened, the more truth came out on the other end, and I realized that neither one of us had ever been completely honest with each other, or even ourselves respectively.  At this point, we could no longer trust each other and with those proverbial bridges burned, there was nothing left to do but walk away.  Perhaps someday we can rebuild that bridge together, but I will say that at this stage in my life, my olive branch only reaches so far.  My friend will have to choose to grab it, and I'm pretty sure that won't happen any time soon, if at all. 

With all of that being said, I don't want to leave the impression that I have turned into a cold, heartless witch -- although I am pretty wicked with the right broom in my hand -- metaphorically speaking.  There is still a considerable amount of time and effort that I will put into maintaining peace and harmony in my relationships.  But that now comes with the caveat that there is a tangible reciprocal effort coming from the other side of the fence as well.  And if not, I will now be able to walk away, but I try to leave the door open a crack if someone changes their mind (or heart).


So to commemorate my new found ability to "hit the road Jack" and look back without (many) regrets, here's a little ditty about lovin' and leavin':

Theme Song #17: Fitz and the Tantrums - We Don't Gotta Work It Out
http://youtu.be/-4Yz_bUTlbo

I'm walking out the door,
Selina

The Year of Making Changes

Last year at this time, I was sitting in front of the TV, making oodles of chocolate covered holiday pretzels to distribute to various co-workers and my sons’ teachers.  I listened to Christmas carols or watched holiday movies and felt warm and fuzzy and holly jolly.  I addressed dozens of Christmas cards and stuffed them with my “annual” letter and a picture of my adorable children.  I had no idea what would be in store for me in 2012, but I looked forward to it in anticipation of new beginnings.

            Let’s just say that I have had many new beginnings and some new “firsts” in 2012: 

I vowed to be more physically active.  I began the year with a New Year’s resolution to begin exercising more and eating a few less M-n-Ms (or other sugary treats).  With my trusty pedometer on my iPod to mark my accomplishments, I started getting up from my desk at work twice a day and walking a couple of laps around the floor.  Once I felt comfortable with that, I stretched my efforts gradually, and when spring came I could be found walking a lap around our neighborhood a few times a week (sometimes with a short tag-along on a bike or scooter).  By May, I was also walking the ½ mile from the parking lot to work in the morning, as well as the gargantuan hill back up in the afternoon.  I lost about 40 pounds, and I feel so much better about myself physically. 

I decided to change my name.  In high school and college, I used a nickname instead of my given name almost exclusively.  When I returned to my childhood hometown in my early twenties, I lost that because it confused people.  So I went back to using my given name to make things easier for others.  I should have stuck to my guns on that one.  All I can tell you is that at some point early on in the year, I decided that I really wanted to go back to using my nickname.  This time, however, it has been more difficult overall.  So now I have my professional name and a personal one.  I answer to either one, but it is truly easier to get my attention if you use my nickname.  My personal feeling is that you should call people what they ask you to call them; it’s not a crime, it’s common courtesy (and you know who I’m talking to).

I went back to school to complete my Masters degree.  I have now officially slogged through four of a total of ten courses towards my M.S. in Organizational Leadership from a snooty private college.  I have spent the past six months with my face in a computer all day at work, and then for a couple hours each night on class assignments.  If I stay on track, I will graduate in May 2014.  And just to get this out of the way, no, I will not be going for the full enchilada and having people call me “doctor.” 

I stayed out all night – and stayed awake, too.  Now I know I spoke about this event in a previous blog, but it still stands out to me as something I had never done before – and probably will never do again.  I will always remember this fondly, but I think it’s safe to say that for the most part I am typically a “my coach turns into a pumpkin at midnight” kind of gal.  I enjoy my sleep too much to pay for that again! 

I walked in my first 5K race.

As a result of my efforts to be more physically active, I set a goal for myself to enter and complete a 5K race.  I was already walking at least a mile in my neighborhood exercise, and built myself up to two miles just before the race.  On one brisk Sunday morning in September, I headed out to one of the local parks and joined hundreds of other racers at the starting line.  My friend Astrid left me in the dust pretty quickly (I had no expectation of her going at my turtle’s pace) and sure enough, as I was reaching the one-mile marker, she was on her way back to the finish line.  At about the two-mile marker, I started to feel a blister coming on my left foot, but I ignored it and kept going.  I finished in 1:03:00, and I did not finish last, so I accomplished my goal! 

I got my first tattoo.  I came up with a design about a year ago, but it took me this long to work up the courage to actually sit down and let someone put a needle full of ink to my body.  It was not nearly as painful as I had imagined in my mind.  I love my body art, and I might just get some more down the road if I figure out what else I want.  I’m not sure anything would top the meaning behind the piece that I got, so I may just stop at one.  You never can tell… 

I filed for divorce from my husband of fourteen years.  This was probably the most difficult change I made this year, and it certainly required a lot of introspection and reflection on my part.  I regret to inform you that I will not air all of my personal reasons or the dirty laundry of our relationship on such a public forum.  I will only say that I came to the conclusion that it was the right decision for me.

I know there have been other memorable notes and highlights in my year, like going to Disney World for the first time, and even kissing a girl (just checking to see if you’re paying attention)!  I wonder what 2013 will bring -- only time will tell what I will be able to reflect on next year. 

And so in honor of my love for Broadway, here is a song about those five hundred – twenty five thousand – six hundred minutes. 

Theme Song #16: Seasons of Love by the cast of RENT

http://youtu.be/hj7LRuusFqo

Measure in love,

Selina