Good Marksmanship

Over the past two years, I have actively pursued some sort of dating life.  Mostly through online efforts via dating sites and most recently, Tinder.  This has been a mixed bag, to put it in simple terms.  I’ve had some pretty good dates, a few I would rather forget, and even been stood up on more than one occasion.  Despite any amount of frustration, I soldiered on, hoping that the next time my luck would change for the better.

 

A few months ago, I met someone new.  We chatted/texted for a little bit, and decided that we liked each other enough to meet in public.  We ate dinner, conversed over Starbucks, and had a pleasant evening.  We continued texting, and went out at least another handful of times.  I liked him, even though he had a lot of extenuating personal circumstances that made things challenging. 

 

Then one night he made this offhanded comment about how he thought that we were from two different worlds.  At first I dismissed it, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that something had shifted.  Ultimately, he had already decided to end things, but didn’t let me know until two days later.  What I ascertained through his explanation/comments was that I was demanding and had impossible standards.  No one wants to hear that they aren’t perfectly delightful, and it hurt me a great deal because I felt that I had invested myself in him, and cared about him.

 

Why am I telling you this?  It’s just another relationship casualty, right?  I’ve had failed relationships in the past, and this is just another notch in the proverbial lipstick case.  Just pick yourself up Selina and say “next!”  You are enough just the way you are.  Any man who thinks differently doesn’t deserve you anyway.  Typically I would agree with that theory; this time was different.  I tried to move on – but his words had hit their mark.  I didn’t want to be that way.  I pondered how to do things differently, but without knowing what the root of my problem was, I sat in my quagmire of self-doubt.

 

This morning, it finally hit me: I’m lonely. 

 

Yes, I have my kids.  I have friends.  I make plans and go out on occasion.  But the truth is that I lack that element of adult companionship that I long for desperately.  Someone to talk to about the daily minutiae of life in general.  That’s been my core problem all along.  That gaping hole in my emotional wheelhouse had clouded my judgment and ability to be a calm, rational human being.  Many, many times.  Too many to count.  And now, chased someone away whose thoughts and opinions mattered a great deal to me.
 

I’m trying to make amends for my delusional/self-important behavior.  I don’t know if it will make a difference in the long run or not.  What I do know is that I don’t want this to happen again.  At the very least, I hope that with this newfound knowledge that I can move forward in a more positive direction.

 

In the spirit of the things we do despite ourselves, here is a little tune by one of my favorite sassy gals, Patty Loveless.  May we all find what we’re looking for out there! 

 

Theme Song #42 – Lonely Too Long by Patty Loveless

https://youtu.be/wZHMS3Vho-o

 

 

Stay beautiful and rebellious,

Selina

Circle of Hope - Woman of Courage Award

Exactly one year ago today, my boys and I moved into our own apartment.  A lot has happened during this year.  Tonight we spent the evening at the Circle of Hope dinner to support PA Women Work.  I was one of their four participants selected to receive their Woman of Courage award.  I gave in front of a room full of people who had paid to be there and support this worthy organization.  Here is what I said:

When I hear the word courage, I think of soldiers, policemen, and fire fighters.  However, most days I relate more to the Cowardly Lion.  He’s not brave at all, and his own shadow could have scared him at the wrong angle.  He wants to be brave but he hasn’t a clue how to go about it. 

I felt that way.  In 2012, I separated from my husband.  Six months later I lost my job.  Despite having a college education and marketable skills, I spent a long time unemployed.  For a while I attempted things on my own, with too little success and too few interviews.  I knew the economy was rough, but had faith that I would get the right opportunity in time.  When that didn’t happen, my house went into foreclosure proceedings and my two boys and I became homeless.

At that point, we needed to rely on the kindness of strangers for survival.  It was January of 2013.  It was cold, and finding a place to go in the winter is not easy.  I credit the United Way’s 2-1-1 information line with helping me connect with Allegheny Valley Association of Churches.  We resided at their headquarters during the day, and slept in churches in the Natrona Heights area at night.  We spent a month in their program while looking for something more permanent for housing. 

At that point we were accepted into the HOMES program at HEARTH in the North Hills.  This was a huge blessing because we had our own apartment and a stable place to call home while I worked on finding employment and getting us back on track to living independently.  In mid-February, I went to the Information evening about the classes being offered by PA Women Work, and I enrolled in two classes.  I worked on refreshing my Microsoft Word skills, updating my resume and practicing my interview skills.  I want to thank my instructors, Gail and Nieves, for their guidance and inspiration to keep trying and not give up.

In August 2014 I finally obtained a full time job placement at a health insurance company thru a temp agency.  After six months, and with the kind words of two supervisors about my skills, they made me a permanent employee.  I cannot stress enough the idea that no one can do it on their own.  I couldn’t do it on my own, and neither could the Cowardly Lion.  That’s what I think is so wonderful about his story – when Dorothy was in trouble, he reached deep inside himself and – with the help of his friends the Scarecrow and the Tin Man – found the courage he needed to overcome his fear. 

This is actually a special day for me for another reason. Today marks one year to the day that we moved into our own apartment and finally achieved true independence.  In some ways I still can’t believe that much time has passed.  And in some ways I feel like it must have been a horrible nightmare and not at all part of my story.  If I had been by myself, I’m not sure if I would be standing here today.  What I know is that having my two little boys – Gavin and Mason – depending on me – and looking to me – helped me to reach deep inside myself and find the courage to get out of bed every morning and keep fighting.  They are my constant inspiration and my reason for striving make our lives better. 

In the past two years, so many wonderful and caring people have crossed our paths and helped us in many ways, both large and small.  We are just three of the many people who have been positively affected by the mission of PA Women Work.  I cannot ever adequately express my sincere gratitude for this program.  I can only hope to find ways to pay it forward and help others.  Thank you so much!

I was truly humbled by receiving this award.  I feel like I just did what I had to in order for the three of us to survive.  I would do it again if needed.  If you would like to support an organization that empowers women and provides them with resources to succeed, this is it!  No one can do this alone. Period. So I will put my shiny star on the mantle and it will help me remember that. 

Finding my courage,
Selina

All The Single Ladies (and Men Too)!!!

I had a big date planned last Saturday. We were going to see Furious Seven since both of us enjoy this movie series.  I looked forward to it all week -- and then I got the call.  My date had succumb to the flu and would have to take a rain check.  Talk about a huge bummer!! Now what should I do?  I pondered it for a while and decided that I would make a daring and bold move; I took myself out on the date anyway.  I dressed to impress, showed up on time, paid for the ticket and snacks, and (dare I say it) had a fantastic time.  BY MYSELF.

The truly shocking thing is that this is not even close to the first time I've stepped out on my own.  (GASP!)  I'm a single mom, and I figure I have two choices: I can sit around and wait for one of my busy friends to become available for an activity, OR I can go out by myself.  Most of the time I choose the later.  Now I realize that in our patriarchal society, we are programmed that we must go out in public in pairs, or perish in fiery flames.  And yet I have emerged unscathed from malls, restaurants, movie theaters, and concerts despite the fact that I didn't have a buddy with me. 

In fact, just a few weeks ago, I went to see Garth Brooks in concert.  BY MYSELF.  Previously, if I wanted to go to a concert, I would purchase two tickets and then attempt to find a friend to go with me.  When I ordered my ticket several months ago, I decided to forgo that method altogether and only ordered one ticket.  It actually took the pressure off of trying to find someone to purchase my second "buddy" ticket and coordinate schedules with someone else.  I think it also garnered me a better seat -- can't prove that by the computer but I'm just going to go with that theory. 

Then I had a friend post on Facebook about their own frustration with this concept and the idea of feeling self-conscious doing something like going to the movies by himself.  Most of the comments were supportive and told him to just go for it.  There was only one judgmental twit who admitted that she would laugh at him for being by himself.  Is she serious?  If you've managed to make it past high school, this is juvenile behavior, plain and simple.  Who cares if someone is by themself?  If you find it necessary to point that out and make fun of that person, what you're really doing is revealing your own insecurities to everyone who read your ridiculous comment. 

Aside from wanting to dump a bucket of popcorn on this girl's head, the comment that really bothered me the most was not even an original comment.  It was an image of a word with a definition; it was the first time I had seen this picture or heard this term.  I am not fond of the word mash-ups that have become so popular of late, and this was no different:

Did anyone else notice that this term is one letter off from masturbating?  I'm sure as hell not using that term EVER to describe my evening out without a sidekick.  WTF!  This proves that no matter how far we think we have progressed as a society, there is still a deep, deep sense of patriarchy and privilege associated with pairing up just for the sake of following the herd.  I for one am done with that nonsensical bullshit.

I have had friends tell me that I'm brave for doing things on my own, and while I understand where they are coming from, it seems like such a lame reason to pat myself on the back.  The bottom line is that we should pay more attention to our own affairs.  Then it wouldn't seem so gutsy to sit in a dark room and stare at a screen for two hours without someone else to hold our hand (thank you Shaners McFarlane).

While I will concede that there is an element of nerve in flying solo, here is an ode to those that really deserve to wear this badge of honor:

Theme Song #41: Brave by Sara Bareilles
https://youtu.be/QUQsqBqxoR4

I'm busting out of my cage,
Selina